Doubt

Sometimes I doubt it all very much.

If Christianity were real, why don’t we act more like Christians?  If there is only one faith, why are there so many factions?  If there is only one truth, why aren’t even the most fundamentals agreed upon?

Yet even as I lash out in angry questions, an irony is not lost on me.

“Sometimes it seems like a bunch of hogwash!” I exclaim.  “Did we just make this all up?  Are you just a figment of our imagination?”

And then I realize who it is I am yelling at.

God.

And I have to pause when I realize I am yelling at the very thing which I am doubting even exists.

Even in my doubts, God is there.  He is both the source and the recipient of my flashing doubts.  In my questions, in my uncertainty, in my anger:  I am still talking to God.  It is as David said: Where can I go to be away from your Spirit?  Where can I flee from your presence?  If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.  If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast  (Psalm 139:7-11).

Even my doubts cannot separate me from God.  Even when I do not believe in Him, I am talking to Him, yelling at Him, questioning Him.  I cannot ever leave His presence.  He will not let me.  “I will never leave you nor forsake you,” God declared to Joshua (Joshua 1:5b).  “I am with you always,” Jesus said, “to the very end of the age” (Matthew 28:20b).  “I am convinced,” Paul declared, “that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39).

Nothing, not even my doubts, can separate me from God.  I am, as David said, “hemmed in.”

You hem me in – behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain (Psalm 139:5-6).

God has laid His hand upon me, and I am bound to Him forever.  Indeed, such knowledge is too wonderful for me to really comprehend.  Even in my doubts, God is there.  I can yell at Him, because He is there.  I can question Him, because He is there.  I can doubt Him, because He is there.

Thanks be to God.

Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you (1 Peter 5:7).